When you think of couple counseling frequently the picture in your mind is of two people screaming in futility at one other. . . and screaming.
But if you feel that a repetition of the argument that has taken control of your lives is also taking control of the therapy process, finding a resolution to your issues may begin to feel like a hopeless venture.
Instead of allowing this sense of hopelessness to invade therapy, I emphasize the importance of looking it as the beginning of a new era, an era of respect, reconciliation, and acceptance. Letting go of past hurts is something you can learn to do, especially when you see there's something better to replace them. I offer tools to help couples achieve this letting go and replacing process, some of them based on the work of John Gottman, and some om the work of Harville Hendrix.
Both of these researchers/clinicians have created arsenals of suggestions that when offered to couples in conflict have changed their lives. For example, both clinicians agree, as do I, that formally presenting the facts of each member of the couple's life before marriage, especially in their family of origin, facilitates the regaining of the empathy that has been lost between them, as well as serves to explain the disparity in expectations that may exist.
If you've been using the term "lack of communication" to describe the difficulty in your relationship, this difference in expectations might be the source. It isn't as difficult as you may think to begin to use learning about your partner's perspective to begin to take his or her words and actions less personally.